i went to walmart to buy beer and ice cream. this was even after i rationalized how much my body would both love and hate to consume beer and ice cream in a singular evening. the cashier should’ve known i’m on my period simply from my purchases and not just my bitchface. my ovaries are still emitting stabbing pains throughout as i sip this delicious beer in this very moment.
maybe he didn’t think about my purchases and how it revealed i was on my period because the person in front of me came to walmart at 9:30pm on a Monday night, with her child asleep in the cart, simply to buy a toaster. i would like to know what series of events caused this purchase. did she not need a toaster before this very moment? her child never wanted toast? the mother never wanted toast? nobody else in the family? a friend who came over and was like “i want toast”? why not wait until morning to buy the toaster? why?
you’ve got a lil’ somethin’ right there
i realize how sad my fridge looks. just cheese and various drinks (i’m real excited about that V8). i have plenty of food, it’s just that none of it is in the fridge because 1) I barely create complex meals and 2) if i buy perishable items they will undoubtedly perish before i remember to eat them. i find it very stressful to purchase most items that belong in a fridge because the pressure is on to eat them, to probably consume them even if you want something else because it is going to go bad and you will have wasted at least several whole dollars that totally could’ve gone to something else. it’s like the stress i get when suddenly there is a timer in a video game and i have to complete something before it runs out. it’s like that, but for several days. i do have a fabulous condiment section not pictured, though. seriously - yellow mustard, stoneground deli mustard, AND horseradish mustard to name a few. this is america and i live in a feminist household so we offer a lot of choice here.
today i dreamt a whole dream centered on my butt. more specifically, in the dream i discovered/appreciated the fact that my ass is immaculate. it started out with me accidentally touching my butt, which led me to realize that my butt was, in fact, great. so then i looked at my butt in the mirror and admired it there. i kept appreciating my own amazing ass until i woke up.
you sit down to watch the lion king with me. i point out that leafcutter ants do not live in africa within the first five minutes. you begin to realize that you have made a horrible mistake. i continue to point out every usage of a tiger’s roar in place of a lion’s. you are at the door, but it is locked.
straight from my mandatory graduate assistant orientation organized by my very prestigious and legitimate university